There’s no shame in feeling lonely
This Christmas, Renate Bello, 56, will spend the holidays taking care of her neighbors’ dogs in Easthampton, Massachusetts. It’s the same way she spent Thanksgiving.
Without family or close friends nearby, the holidays can be an especially lonely time, she said. And while pet sitting is a joy and a way she copes with loneliness, she longs to build deeper connections with people.
“I know some people,” she said. “But they’re not necessarily people I would call and say, ‘Let’s hang out.’”
Ms. Bello runs a medical billing business that often works long hours at home, contributing to her isolation. “I have no life and I have to find that balance,” she said.
But taking friendships to the next level can be difficult, Ms. Bello added. Sometimes, she admitted, she feels “inadequate” – like an outsider.
Loneliness can carry a stigma in our society.
People who experience unwanted loneliness may assume that they are not likable or unlovable—that it is their fault that they do not have more friends, community connections, or a romantic partner.
“This can cause profound shame, which can erode self-esteem,” says Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the surgeon general and author of “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.” “It can also exacerbate feelings of loneliness, as it often prompts us to distance ourselves from others at a time when we need support most.”
But the truth is, he added, that loneliness is a universal human experience.
“We all feel lonely sometimes, just like we all feel hungry or thirsty,” said Dr. Murthy. “There is no reason to be ashamed of being human.”
Here are a few ways to move past the stigma and find or rebuild connections.
Remember that other people feel lonely too.
Social connection is linked to heart health, brain health and immunity. Moreover, we can feel physical pain when our relationships suffer.
It is therefore worrying that more than half of Americans say they are lonely a 2021 poll. The problem has become so widespread that Dr. Murthy warned about the ill effects of loneliness in the spring and offered tips on how to improve the quality of social connections.
Even those who have many friends can experience loneliness.
Val Walker, 69, author of “400 Friends and No One to Call,” has worked hard to create a solid social network. But she recently experienced “a whole different level of loneliness” when none of her friends were available when she needed them most.
For four months, she asked more than sixty people if they could serve as medical supervisors after a procedure. There was no one available.
“I felt so uncared for,” Ms Walker said. “I just felt like I didn’t matter to people.”
She eventually found two people in her apartment complex who came forward. Personal, local relationships are among our most important connections, she added.
Cultivate your relationships.
You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely if what you want or expect from your relationships is different from what you perceive. Effort and honesty are crucial to strengthening those connections, said Dr. Murthy.
“A few minutes of honest, authentic human connection can transform the way we feel,” he added.
Izzy Boring, 21, a college student in Oregon, noted that what her generation considers connection — a small screen in our hands — “has absolutely nothing to do with connecting.”
“True connection comes from being human and giving space for others to be human alongside you,” added Ms. Boring, who struggled with loneliness after the death of her boyfriend two years ago.
If you’re used to texting friends or family members, try a phone or video call, Dr. advised. Murthy. It doesn’t have to last long, but it can open the door to rekindling a friendship and improving your mood.
Look for similarities.
We all have unique ways of finding friends, initiating communication, and maintaining our relationships.
“If you’re a bookworm, don’t expect your next best friend to be at the bar,” says Louise Hawkley, a research scientist who studies loneliness at NORC, a social research organization at the University of Chicago.. “You have to look for places and people where you can expect them to share common interests and common values.”
Building relationships takes time. Try not to expect too much at first.
“It often takes a series of meetings,” says Charles T. Hill, professor of social psychology at Whittier College. The relationship may eventually become more intimate, but having casual friends is also important, he added.
As you get to know people, ask yourself: Who can I connect with on a deep level? Who will be there for me?
If social situations make you nervous, Dr. Hawkley, knowing in advance how you’ll handle them can help you feel more comfortable.
For example, if you decide to join a book club, you can introduce yourself to the leader and ask how she got involved. Be prepared with some open-ended questions that will lead to a thoughtful answer. Share your interpretation of the book during a discussion; respond to what other people think.
Offer support to someone else.
Volunteering is a way to expand our social networks that can be less anxiety-provoking than, say, showing up to a party.
In a survey among 10,000 volunteers in Britain, around two-thirds agreed that volunteering had helped them feel less isolated. Websites for organizations such as Volunteer Match, AmeriCorps, United Way and the AARP can help you find opportunities in your area.
Taking even a small step toward building social connections can boost your self-confidence.
If you’re having a hard time connecting with someone or you’re feeling socially isolated, don’t hesitate to tell someone you’re having a hard time. It could be a family member, a friend, a therapist, or a healthcare provider.
“Lonely people have more control over the situation than they think,” said Dr. Hawkley.