Advice | We owe it to Nex Benedict to do better by bullied teens

There’s a lot we don’t know about why Nex Benedict, a nonbinary teen in Owasso, Oklahoma, died one day after a fight in a high school bathroom. But there are some things we do know, and they all lead to tragedy.

We know that 16-year-old Nex, who often used pronouns with peers, was bullied at school. According to Sue Benedict, their biological grandmother and guardian, the bullying started in earnest last year. We know that Nex did not report the recent encounters to teachers or school officials. “I didn’t really see the point in it,” they say to a police officer in one body cam video released by the Owasso Police Department. “But I did tell my mother.”

We don’t know definitively why these students bullied Nex, but we do know that they targeted at least one other gender-nonconforming student, and we know that Nex did not personally know their tormentors. When the police officer asked why the students were harassing them, Nex said, “because of the way we dress.” Later they add that the girls didn’t like the way they and their friends laughed.

We know that Nex responded to the harassment by pouring water on the students, but we also know that the toilet fight didn’t appear to be that way. an even match. “I was jumped at school. 3 on 1, had to go to the ER, ‘Nex texted a family member after the fight. The family lawyer declared that the teen “was assaulted and assaulted in a bathroom by a group of other students.” Nex collapsed at home the next day.

We also know that there is a new law requiring students in Oklahoma to use the bathroom that corresponds to the gender they were assigned at birth, and we know that the law has spawned something of a vigilante group. “That policy and the messaging around it has led to much more student surveillance of the restrooms,” Nicole McAfee, executive director of Freedom Oklahoma, told The Times. “There’s a sense of, ‘Do you belong here?'”

The investigation into Nex Benedict’s death is ongoing. Last week, Owasso police said preliminary information from the medical examiner, which was based on an autopsy, indicated Nex “did not die as a result of trauma.” The statement did not mention a cause of death.

Calls to the interest group Rainbow Youth Project USA peaked after news of Nex’s death reached the media. Eighty-five percent of those callers said they too had been victims of bullying. Even Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt seemed to acknowledge that bullying and Nex’s death may have been linked: “The death of any child in an Oklahoma school is a tragedy.” he said in a statement, “and bullies need to be held accountable.” No word on whether he, a Republican, acknowledges it the public attitude of his own party labeling the LGBTQ community as bullying. We don’t yet know why Nex Benedict died or whether they were bullied in the bathroom that day because of their gender identity, but we definitely know that right-wing political leaders in Oklahoma have repeatedly demeaned and vilified queer people.

Ryan Walters, the state superintendent of schools in Oklahoma, is known for his hostility towards transgender rights. He threatened a state takeover of the Tulsa school system, in part because of the “woke ideology.” He believes “radical gender theory‘ has put Oklahoma girls in danger. He created an emergency rule for this holds back transgender students from changing their gender designation in school records. The list goes on. ‘This is a war for the souls of our children’ said Mr. Walters shortly after his election. After Nex Benedict’s death, his position has not changed.

Mr. Walters’ anti-trans language is common among far-right conservatives. Tucker Carlson has gender transitioned”Satanic.” Donald Trump’s stump speech includes a promise to cut federal funding for schools that “transgender madness.” Last Friday, an Oklahoma state senator referred to LGBTQ people as “filth.”

This type of discourse has made life extremely dangerous for trans and gender expansive Americans across the country. Deep in our bones we know. When political leaders and influential media figures publicly dehumanize and demonize people in a marginalized group, they inspire others to act on their own prejudices. A transgender high school student in Oklahoma told The Washington Post that he carries a bulletproof backpack. “I honestly dread going to school every day,” he said.

We can debate until the cows come home whether hate speech should be protected by the First Amendment. But there can be no debate that hateful talk, especially from people in power, can at least tacitly allow hateful acts. Between 2018 and 2022, a period that coincides with increasing political polarization and extreme speech, the number of reported hate crimes in schools nearly doubled.

Of all the shocking details that have emerged in the reporting of Nex Benedict’s death, the comment that broke my heart in two was one made by the woman who brought it up. ‘Nex did not see himself as a man or a woman’ Sue Benedict told Bevan Hurley from The Independent. “Nex saw itself right in the middle. I was still learning about it, Nex was teaching me.

This grandmother in Oklahoma didn’t judge a child she didn’t understand. She listened. She was learning. She was to attempt to understand. Don’t we all owe it to our children to listen? Don’t we owe it to all the young people in our care – in our families and in our communities – to try to understand the world as they experience it?

But Republican leaders are working overtime to roll back hard-won LGBTQ rights, and the only way they can do that is by cutting off any impulse for empathy and compassion in their constituents. By interrupting every impulse to simply live and let live.

They do not want to understand, and they don’t want other people to try to understand either. They don’t want students to read books that acknowledge the full humanity of their queer friends. They don’t want them to read books that answer questions about what it means to be gay or bi or trans or non-binary, or that just ask questions. They don’t want people to understand the danger they’ve put LGBTQ people in. Republican politicians don’t want to understand this. They’ve decided it’s bad.

I once witnessed a woman stop a round of judgmental gossip about a political figure caught having an extramarital affair. “That’s not our job,” she said kindly when someone asked her for her opinion on the scandal. Forced to explain, she quoted the Gospel of Matthew: ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged.’

She said it is God’s job to know right from wrong. It wasn’t her job. As long as they don’t hurt anyone else, people can live their own lives as they see fit. If God had a problem with it, they would find out in due time.

It’s hard not to wonder what kind of culture we would have today if every politician who claims to promote “Christian values” took Christ’s words in the Gospel of Matthew as an actual gospel. If only every grandmother in every red state would take the time to listen to children trying to explain — or simply understand — their own identities.

Margaret Renkla contributing opinion writer, is the author of the books “The comfort of crows: a year in the backyard,” “Graceland, finally” And “Late migrations.”

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