How to Support Someone Who Has Lost a Pet

On “The Daily Show” this week, host Jon Stewart broke down as he announced the death of his beloved three-legged brindle pit bull, Bear – a raw, moving segment that exemplified the deep sadness many pet owners feel.

When an animal dies, its owners lose companionship, affection and “just unconditional love — and we don’t get that in a lot of places in our lives,” says Sherry Cormier, a psychologist and author of “Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss.” . and sadness.”

Our society tends to be “grief-phobic,” said Dr. Cormier, and there is a sense that the feelings caused by the loss of a pet are relatively low on the hierarchy of suffering, or that it is something that people should be able to process. deal with and move on quickly. Dr. Cormier and other loss experts said this isn’t always true; and they shared ways to help a loved one cope with the loss of a pet.

Validate the owner’s loss.

The loss of pets can lead to illicit grief, meaning it isn’t validated or recognized by the rest of the world, says Michelle Crossley, an associate professor at Rhode Island College and vice president of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. Because of this, “many people end up isolated for fear of rejection by other people,” she said, adding, “They fear that they won’t understand or that they will minimize the loss.”

When expressing your condolences, keep it simple, Dr. Cormier said. She suggested something like, “I know your animal was such an important part of your life and family. I can see how much he meant to you and how much you already miss him.

Pet grief is often complicated by feelings of guilt if your friend or loved one chooses to put an animal to sleep to minimize suffering, Dr. Cormier said. She has done that with two golden retrievers, but noted that the circumstances were very different. People lived long, happy lives; the other had to be put to sleep unexpectedly due to an aggressive brain tumor.

Resist the urge to say, “I know how you feel,” she warned, even if your intention is simply to express empathy. “Everyone’s grief is unique,” ​​she added.

Ask how you can help honor the pet.

Rituals are an important part of the grieving process, said Dr. Crossley, but are sometimes overlooked when an animal dies. Perhaps your friend would welcome a memorial service, she suggested, or would like to create a keepsake box with photos and some of his pet’s favorite toys.

If your friend or loved one is experiencing anticipatory grief — that is, she knows a pet is getting old or likely to die soon — you can ask if you can help plan any “bucket list” activities she would like to do with her doing. pet. You might consider giving your friend a meaningful gift. Dr. For example, Crossley has seen people turn a pet’s water bowl into a planter. (She has a shelf where she keeps the ashes of the five dogs she lost, along with their photos and paw prints, she noted.)

Consider the physical component of losing your friend. “People report a very intense physical longing, often compared to what they imagine the loss of a limb feels like,” says Judith Harbour, a veterinary social worker at Schwarzman Animal Medical Center in New York City, who helps run pet loss support groups. (which is another option for people experiencing acute grief after the death of a pet). There’s no easy solution to that craving, she said, but sometimes an object to hold or cuddle with, such as a pet blanket, can help.

Make memories with your loved one.

The fact that people are sometimes ashamed to share how much they miss their pet can contribute to feelings of loneliness and isolation, Dr. Cormier said. Simply encouraging them to share stories, photos or videos of their pet when they feel like doing so can help them feel less alone in their suffering, she said. And, if possible, listen more than you talk.

Be there for the long haul.

All experts pointed out the common misconception that pet-related grief does not last as long as other types of grief. But it’s cyclical, Dr. Cormier said, and she urged people to reach out to friends and loved ones not just days or weeks after a loss, but months or even years afterward.

Don’t ask if your friend or loved one plans to get another pet, Ms. Harbor said. She regretted that almost everyone she had counseled after the loss of a pet had been asked this question. Mourning takes time.

“Don’t forget them,” Ms. Harbor said of grieving animal lovers. “Check in and give them time to talk to you about their pet. That is very meaningful, because people often have the feeling that the world is turning and that time is passing and that no one remembers their animal.”