Rise of the ‘burner’ relationship: Tracey Cox reveals why holidays, sleeping with other people and taking a younger lover can be a much better idea than settling down

My generation was raised to only pursue relationships that could “lead to something,” that could be “serious.”

In other words, end up with both of you together until death do us part (if not married, then at least fully committed).

But life doesn’t work that way anymore. People don’t meet in college or university and spend the rest of their lives together.

This generation thinks differently – and we can all learn from it.

Not all relationships are built to last forever.

Not all relationships should last forever. Some are best experienced during short, intense explosions. Trying to make them sustainable would ruin everything for everyone.

The truth is, the more types of relationships you have and experience before settling down, the better partner choice you’ll ultimately make… and the more fun you’ll have along the way.

You both want to sleep with other people

I’m not talking about a poly relationship – where it’s a relationship/lifestyle model you want to adopt. More of an old-fashioned ‘you want your cake and eat it too’ situation. One step closer than friends with benefits – you want to spend a lot of time together – but you don’t want to be exclusive.

It could be because of life circumstances – you just got out of a long-term relationship, you’re too busy, you don’t have the energy to commit – or just because you want to explore all the sexual options you have to offer. come your way (and be honest and honest about it).

It’s exciting to be in a loving relationship where you both have complete sexual freedom (albeit with a few rules, which it’s wise to agree on). It dawns on you that your partner is not the ‘owner’; they are not assets that belong to you. Instead of becoming complacent, keep your guard up all the time. They see other people, have sex with other people, you have competitors left, right and centre. You better be on your best behavior if they want to continue making you their main “person.” Sexual jealousy fuels desire and sex is steamy and urgent.

It takes a confident, confident person to handle the arrangement, and few choose this path long-term (it becomes more challenging if either of you wants children). But it is an experience that can give you positive lessons that will last a lifetime.

You said: “I’m used to being the person who is loved, not the person who loves. I often cheated on partners – I didn’t think twice about it. My father had a series of affairs and I remember when I was 15 thinking, “It’s one or the other: the person cheating or the person being betrayed.” I chose to be my father.

‘I was 28 when I met Lucas. He was Italian, ten years older than me and very confident sexually. We became lovers and I settled on monogamy. I got the shock of my life when he came to see me one evening and told me all about a sexual encounter he had just had with another woman.

“He looked at my face while he was talking and said, ‘Oh, I thought you knew.’ He then explained that he always managed his relationships in a certain way. There was “love” (me at that moment) and “fun” that I enjoyed with me, but also “very special” people who are “impossible to refuse”.

‘He made it clear that the arrangement went both ways. I tried it and it was both humiliating and disturbing. I loved the freedom, and I loved coming back and telling him my adventures, as he did to me that first time. But it made me nervous. I experienced pain and jealousy. It has made me a better person, more aware of the feelings of others.’

You both have different paths in life

You are studying to be a lawyer and have Manhattan in mind; they want to work with indigenous tribes in Africa. You’re both passionate, driven, and steadfast in your career dreams, which ultimately means living miles apart.

A path to inevitable misery – or a chance to discover a new side of yourself?

When you spend part of your life with someone who is completely different from you, you learn to see things from a different perspective. The lawyer learns to think of others who are less fortunate (increasing empathy), the humanitarian learns how to think business-wise (useful in raising funds to help these tribes).

By interacting with people who don’t think the way we do, we become tolerant of different opinions and beliefs. We realize that no one is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, we all look at life from different angles. If you respect each other’s opinions, instead of opposing them, you can become friends for life. And who knows where your career will eventually take you?

Prioritizing your career over romance every now and then isn’t a bad idea either. The right job gives us purpose and meaning: two key factors that make us happy in the long term.

You said: “I met my first wife in high school and we ended up on the predictable path of getting married and having kids. We were compatible, but in a boring way: we agreed on everything. We even parted ways amicably. The next woman I dated was a dog walker. She was everything my wife wasn’t: happy to annoying, big hair, big boobs, big personality, not very well educated. I started talking to her in the park and she asked me out for a drink. I went out of curiosity, to see what would happen, and ended up having an adventure that lasted a year. She drew me into her life, and I lived mine her way: always in the moment, doing things that don’t cost much, watching stupid movies, hanging out with her family. I’m not sure if we both fell in love, but we had a ball. She eventually met someone else and is still with the man. Six years later we are still great friends. She taught me a lot about life.”

IT IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN AGE GAP

Relationships with an age gap have clear benefits for both parties. One gets youth (or someone who seems youthful to us) with all the attendant playfulness, physical pluses and flattering ‘student worship’. The other person receives accumulated wealth, a sense of security and wisdom.

Dating someone younger allows you to reconnect with your younger self: the one who wasn’t so cynical or in your way. They may have fewer financial resources and lack of maturity, but they are also happier pushing boundaries and exploring new interests.

Seeing someone older can provide more stability, mentoring and guidance, a better lifestyle, and (sometimes) better sex. They’ve been around the block more times than you and have learned a few tricks along the way.

You said: ‘I dated men at least ten years younger than me for about ten years. It suited me so much. My career was my priority, I was attracted to younger minds and – let’s face it – their bodies. I dated four 26 year olds in a row. That seemed to be my magic age: old enough to know something about life, but still open to new concepts and ideas.

‘The men I dated were positive, motivated and curious about the world. The men I met who were my age seemed cynical and uninteresting. (They didn’t seem to find me attractive either.) I didn’t want children, so that wasn’t a problem. Young men are very open to dating older women if you are good looking.

‘In my late forties I decided it was time for an adult relationship. A five year age difference is insignificant, but anything over ten years can become a problem. It took a long time to connect with someone my own age (my partner is four years younger), but when I found him it felt natural. It’s easier to be with someone who has the same reference points. But I don’t regret it: dating younger is a lot of fun and yes, the sex is fantastic.’

IT’S A HOLIDAY FLYING

Holiday romances are usually based on physical attraction: you only have a short period of time to connect and lust is the fastest bonder. When you’re short on time, the relationship is accelerated: everything you do bursts into the moment.

People on holiday are much more likely to have sex than in ‘real life’. Knowing that you’ll probably never see each other again makes it irresistible to reinvent yourself a little (or a lot). The opportunity to become someone completely new is one of the main reasons people have affairs. You’re away from the stress and routine of your life, drinking more than usual and in an expansive mood: you can tell that holiday romances are intensely enjoyable, albeit bittersweet.

Knowing that this is very unlikely to become a long-term problem takes the pressure off worrying about the future. Instead, you stay in the moment and indulge in romantic daydreams if you wish, but both safe in the knowledge that they will never meet your disgusting roommate or discover that you are not really the boss of your department.

You said: ‘I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship that stole my trust and left me in despair that anyone would ever want me again. I bought the cheapest package deal I could find and ended up staying in a terrible hotel in Greece. I came back a changed woman. I met a group of young guys who befriended me and had a two week affair with one of them. He made me feel beautiful, sexy and desirable. It was never said to be anything other than fun and sex, and that was exactly what I needed.”

For more practical information on sex and relationships, Tracey’s books, blog and two product ranges (available exclusively from lovehoney), visit traceycox.com.