Honey, I’ll be back at two o’clock

Brianna Michaud’s childhood in the ’90s was filled with sleepovers at friends’ houses. Her mother sometimes came into the house and chatted with the parents for a few minutes, but sensitive topics like bodily autonomy, gun safety or technology use — aside from the rule that she didn’t watch anything rated PG-13 or higher — weren’t the most important topics. kind of things discussed.

“It was a different time,” said Ms. Michaud, now 35.

It should come as no surprise that parents today are generally experiencing more anxiety. There’s greater awareness about issues like sexual abuse and gun violence, says Christy Keating, a certified Seattle-area parenting coach. Almost half of the parents in the US describe themselves as overprotective, according to Pew research published last year.

And perhaps no scenario tests a parent’s vigilance more than the prospect of having their child sleep with another family. For some parents, a solution to this is ‘sleepunder’ (also called ‘lateover’), where children come to play, but do not stay the night.

Qarniz F. Armstrong, mother of three children, ages 12, 14 and 20, has never let her children spend a night without her, even with other family members. However, she wants her children to have a normal childhood experience, so she has chosen to let them go to parties if she can get them home before bedtime – even if that means 2 or 3 in the morning. Considering the alternative — saying no altogether — Ms. Armstrong, who is 43 and lives in Murrieta, California, thinks it’s “a good compromise.”

Her eldest, Mecca, has a different point of view. Although he believes his parents stood up for his interests, he said, “I definitely felt left out.” He remembers begging his mother for two hours at the age of 15 to let him attend an overnight stay, but she said no. At that point, the invitations had already dried up, and he “really didn’t want to be the only kid who had to leave early.”

That was perhaps the hardest and loneliest part: not necessarily being picked up early, but being the only child who was. “I would have felt better if other kids’ parents had done the same,” he said.

Mrs. Armstrong estimates that her children have probably done about 10 to 12 “lateovers” each. And she has a protocol that she continues to follow: First she calls the parents to ask who will be there, if they have weapons and what they plan to do that evening. She then goes inside the drop-off and greets the parents and everyone there. “I don’t care what other people think about how I protect my children,” she said.

Not all protective parents pick up their children. Last March, Ms. Michaud hosted a “mommy-and-me sleepover” with another mother and two children at her home in Silverdale, Washington, before her family moved to San Diego. She thought it was a great way to let her children aged 5 and 7 and their friends spend the night together in a safe, familiar environment, she says.

It was also a good way to connect with another parent and not be rushed by her children. While the kids played with her family’s puppy, bounced around the glowstick dance party and watched “Sing 2,” Ms. Michaud got to slow down and catch up over a glass of wine with the other mom. “You get to have conversations with adults that you wouldn’t otherwise have,” she said.

But what do children possibly lose if they do not spend the night elsewhere? “Sleepers are a pretty normative part of American child culture,” says Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, a professor of family psychology at Ohio State University, “and they give children the opportunity for real independence.” In her own experience, exposure to different lifestyles and customs in her friends’ homes inspired a lifelong passion for studying how families function and their ripple effects on society.

Sleepovers can be fun and beneficial for kids, but parents get something out of it too: a free night off from your child if they stay until the morning. “It’s a great way to swap babysitting,” Ms Keating said. “And a great way to connect with other families.”

The trick, Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan said, is to try to find a balance where one is cautious but not overprotective. “Parents who are overly cautious” about sleepovers, she said, “tend to be overly cautious about other things,” and that can cause anxiety problems in children who aren’t allowed to take age-appropriate risks and thereby build a healthy sense of resilience and autonomy . .

The 8-year-old daughter of Toni Anne Kruse, a mother of two who lives in Maplewood, NJ, is ready to move on from sleepunders.

“She’s actually annoyed by it,” Ms. Kruse, 42, said. One thing her daughter likes to do are sleepovers, and she’s done about 10 of them, with “people I know and trust,” her mother added. For Ms. Kruse, whose own parents rarely allowed her to spend the night at a friend’s house, sleepovers are a “special time” to bond with friends.

She also admits that she personally benefits from sleepovers: “I’d rather be at home being cozy and relaxing than having to pick them up late at night.”

“You don’t want to hold your child back from formative experiences,” she said.

However, some children prefer their own space. While Ms. Armstrong’s 14-year-old son has attended about a dozen sleepunders, he always relishes the moment when he can return home and crash in his own bed. He never asks to stay with a friend later, and when friends come to his house, he tends to fade away early, choosing sleep over socializing. “He likes his privacy,” his mother said.

Dorina G., a 43-year-old mother in Los Angeles, born in Iran and raised in Sweden, has already thrown about 12 sleepunders for her children, who are 5 and 7, and their friends and families. She loves them, not least because the adults can mingle – sometimes over catered food, a dinner party or in formal wear – until the children’s movie ends around 10pm, after which everyone goes home to bed .

Mrs. G., who asked that her last name be withheld for privacy, and her husband once hosted a parent-child sleepover in their backyard, where fathers slept with the children outside in tents while the mothers retreated to the comfort of their own beds.

For Ms. G. and her family, traditional sleepovers won’t be an option until her children are at least 13 or 14 years old, she said. Growing up in Sweden, she “loved” spending the night in other homes, but “knowing what we know now,” she said, her and her husband’s attitudes have changed.

“I’m much more of a concerned mother.”