12 Christmas decor trends that should be banned

Christmas. I think I hate it. The urge to be openly cheerful from now until New Year; the rampant consumerism of intrusive advertising on TV; the overheated, ever-swearing shops. And let’s not forget the pressure to host, entertain and track down the most thoughtful gifts. It’s all too much.

But as an interior design expert, the one thing that bothers me the most is the choice of decorations.

I can’t stand how Christmas decorating trends go up and down so much these days. For me the formula is firm and simple: real tree, low hanging needles, bushy, about 6 feet tall. Decorate it with an assortment of random baubles collected over the years, white Christmas lights, possibly a fairy or angel on top. Place cards on each available shelf and you’re done.

Yet apparently I am in the minority. Now there’s always some crazy innovation to try – from Christmas trees made of pampas grass to a spiral ‘floating’ tree made of chicken wire that hangs from the ceiling – and which can be seen on social media from September.

But why do we have to buy a whole new set of decorations every year? Surely all that money would be better spent on meaningful gifts or experiences, not on panic-bought items that will end up in the landfill in January.

As such, here are the 12 Christmas decorative fads that I wish would disappear straight back down the chimney. . .

1. STAY AWAY FROM BUBBLEGUM PINK

According to Pinterest Trend, searches for pink Christmas decorations have increased 286 percent in the past six months.

The reason? Barbie movie mania, of course. Parent company Mattel participated in collaborations with more than 100 brands in fashion, beauty, home goods and more. So maybe it was inevitable that the madness would last long enough to pollute the holidays, though I wish to God that wasn’t the case.

You can now opt for a full Barbiecore with a real pink tree (think synthetic, fake, plastic). Or tone it down a bit by limiting yourself to a selection of blush baubles, butterflies, bows, ribbons and streamers.

I loved the movie, but aren’t we kind of missing the point when we turn home and hearth into some kind of saccharine doll party?

Barbie was all about female empowerment, but pink as a color is actually a sedative. It’s modest and fun, which is to say yawning boring.

Give me a natural spruce anytime with fresh green, gold and red tones.

2. ALL Tinsel SHOULD BE BANNED

I’m sorry, but I hate tinsel everywhere and on anything. I love sparkly baubles or sequins, but gaudy shiny tendrils twisted around the television and wrapped over every photo? Just say no. It’s the decorative equivalent of a flammable acrylic Christmas sweater with a light-up Rudolph nose.

And even if it claims to be biodegradable, it’s a lie. Nothing that is tacky can be good.

3. CHOOSE WHITE LIGHTS ONLY

I also place multi-colored tree lights in the tacky tinsel camp. Controversial, I know, because they could be considered ‘fun’, but I prefer my tree’s character to be embodied in the baubles (here, feel free to get crazy).

When it comes to light, white lights on green strings (so all you see are pinpricks of light) are the only way to go.

4. DECORATED STAIRS ARE A STEP TOO FAR

If I could ban railing streamers, I would. Call me old-fashioned, but handrails are there for a reason: to hold on to. That’s difficult when there are meters of tinsel and Christmas lights in the way. On some you can barely see the stairs because of the fir leaves, oversized lanterns, streamers and bows. Please take it away.

5. MAKE SURE TO BAN ARCHES

As OTT as they are dangerous are bows around candles and waterfalls of paper nonsense over mantelpieces. Two words: fire hazard!

To be honest, bowing to anything drives me crazy. Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should do it. Some things – door handles, picture frames, the dog – don’t need pimping.

6. DO NOT GIVE TO PAMPAS

I can’t tolerate a pampas grass tree. Or some other blatant non-boom boom. It’s too self-consciously alternative, saying, ‘Look at me, I’m so opinionated and anti-establishment.’ I’m sorry, but if you don’t ‘do’ Christmas, then fine, don’t ‘do’ Christmas.

7. PUT UP PROPER TREES, NOT TREES

Likewise, no one is fooled by the aesthetic of decorated twigs. Nothing infuriates me more than a single branch with bits of dried orange hanging from it. It’s not an artistic statement, it’s a stick with dried fruit on it. Bad show, better forgotten.

8. METALLICA ARE JUST CRAZY

For those determined to buy a classic green fir, copper is reportedly de rigueur metallic for artificial trees this year – see the 2.3 meter John Lewis model for £229, which is now sold out. Touted as “dense and bushy,” it apparently makes the “perfect backdrop for decorations, especially those in rich shades of red, green, purple and blue.” Presumably not all together, otherwise it will sound like a big bruise.

But the overall effect is that of a real tree standing too close to the radiator. Moreover, today’s novelty is always tomorrow’s waste. Which means this one will be hanging around in a landfill for the next 500 years.

9. KEEP YOUR TREE SOLIDLY EARTHED

There is something comforting about a noble spruce standing proudly in its pot at attention. So spare me the oh-so-clever conceptual tree ‘installations’ that will leave you scratching your head.

The upside-down Christmas tree, hung from the ceiling and first seen at Tate Britain in 2016, has no place in the home of any right-thinking person. . . This also applies to this year’s ‘floating’ spiral tree, made of chicken wire and orchids, which has earned creator Marco Zamora more than 600,000 likes on Instagram.

10. Don’t join the chain gang

Straddling the line between boring and charmingly handspun are paper chains. As a kid it would take me hours to make these, but they are still terribly messed up. They get in the way, break easily, are an invitation to chaos for cats, and by the end of the season they will be ragged and dirty dust traps.

11. ANIMAL PRINTS MAKE ME WILD

Animal prints have no place in a festive home. I’ve seen random wild animal Christmas trinkets, zebra print wrapping paper, cheetah spotted streamers. Just say no.

We are getting our Bible stories confused: this is not Noah’s birthday. Animal prints come and go in fashion, but that doesn’t make them good or classic. Somehow they seem wildly inappropriate for Christmas – so less leopard print, more reindeer please.

12. KEEP PICKLES OFF YOUR TREE

Inspired by the new Wonka movie, some style queens have gone crazy for a traditional tree decorated with striped bows, lollipops and candy canes. But sweetheart-themed trees just feel so American. Other. Not us. Imported and artificial.

I also can’t stand the crazy overcrowding that comes with this kind of look. You’ve basically built a cone of saccharine, sickly crap, with the poor tree suffocated underneath. There’s no hard and fast ratio of tree to trinket that I stick to, but you should at least be able to see the branches.

BUT HERE’S A ‘TACKY’ TREND THAT I LIKE. . .

This may shock you, but I absolutely love it when people start putting bananas with decorations in their gardens. Yes, it’s terribly boring, but so generous when we all get to participate in it.

Swung gnomes, check mark. Inflatable reindeer, double check mark. Projections of snowflakes falling down the facade of the house, great respect!

Put up Christmas lights spread around every tree or shrub (but still only white), and fake snow pictures on the windows, a sign that says “Santa, Stop Here!” and i love you.

On the contrary, I know.