I have the ‘micro shorts’ from Free People – a denim pair looks like ‘jundies’
A FASHION fan tried on Free People’s controversial new micro shorts out of pure morbid curiosity.
She compared the tiny shorts to underwear and expressed genuine concern that they would harm her health.
Nicole (@nicolestorydent) shared her test drive in a TikTok video.
Free People’s latest launch for spring and summer drew criticism from shoppers who found the shorts too small.
Many were concerned that the styles would leave everything hanging.
“I generally prefer my shorts and skirts to be longer than my tampon string,” one commenter joked.
Nicole decided she had to see for herself how bad the damage was.
“Like many women, I was stunned when I saw this message from Free People, but I ran to my shopping cart because these needed to be tried on, on a body in the wild,” she said.
“This may not be for the faint of heart,” she warned.
The first pair, a medium wash with layers of denim pocket flaps, had her in hysterics as she used the flaps as wings and pretended to take to the air for “I Believe I Can Fly.”
“It’s kind of a reward for the waitress if they ever want to do a Waffle House Hooters hybrid,” she said.
On the plus side, she gave Free People props for giving the people what they wanted.
“We asked for more bags, so they were delivered,” she said.
“Speaking of giving birth, you could have a baby without having to take off these shorts,” she said as she moved on to the second pair of micro shorts.
“For size reference, this is a month of 400.”
Unfortunately, Nicole didn’t believe the “shorts” even qualified as shorts.
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“I’d say these look more like ‘jundies’ or ‘janties’ or at best a ‘jikini,'” she joked.
To give the shorts the good old try, she attempted a squat test, but failed before she could even remotely reach the ground.
Fortunately, there were other variants to test out the squat test with.
“In case you were thinking that, they’re a little too casual for me. They come in a plaid color,” she said, showing off the white plaid shorts.
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“Millenials know a thing or two about moving from corporate to club and I feel like we’ve missed an opportunity to take this route,” she said.
Free People, or as Nicole dubbed the company ‘Free Peephole’, seemed to have all their bases covered with a vegan leather pair meant for nights out on the town, although Nicole didn’t seem to agree.
“There’s nothing vegan about it because a cat will definitely get hurt wearing these,” she said.
“And the name for this color on the website is Tofu and I would like to request that they change it to Camel Toe-fu.”
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She also really liked a red, pink and orange striped pair.
“It’s as if my grandmother was knitting me a pair of shorts that extended just right and died halfway through, but I still wear them in her honor,” she said seriously.
Although Nicole planned to return the shorts and get her money back, she was still disturbed by the shorts’ potential impact on the larger world.
“I worry about the pH balance of women who wear these regularly,” she said.
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‘They should probably come with tampons, whereas if you wear it for more than eight hours you’ll have to go to the hospital.
“And I hate to send these back… because I feel like they know me so personally now that I feel like I should at least make them breakfast.
“I’ll text you guys,” she said to the shorts.
One mother recognized the design of the shorts, although she was shocked to see that she had missed the memo about the brand’s partnership with a diaper manufacturer.
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“I probably missed the announcement that Free People was partnering with Depend,” she said.
“It gives denim roast beef,” said another.
“The first is giving Shakespeare-era shorts,” said a third.
One woman felt that Free People was too eager to fulfill customer requests.
“When women asked for more pockets, they didn’t mean to put them all on one garment,” she said.
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Some thought the shorts would do well in terms of sales, while many thought they shouldn’t hit the market at all.
“Dozens have been sold,” one commenter joked.
“Can’t Free People just send a pair to the five people they would look good on?” said another.
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