I’m a stay-at-home parent and my partner has made a to-do list – is this normal?
A stay-at-home mom has sparked debate online by revealing that her partner feels she’s not doing enough and has set a strict to-do list for her, prompting many to sympathize but others suggesting she may be ‘spoiled’ .
The woman went to the British parenting forum Mumsnet to ask if others think her situation is “normal” for a stay-at-home mom, or if her husband is “micromanaging.”
She explained that she shares two sons, ages nine and 15, and a three-year-old daughter with her full-time husband, but he complained that she wasn’t doing enough around the house.
To combat this, he wants to introduce a list of chores to be done on certain days, which he will check when he gets back from work.
Reactions were divided with some claiming his suggestion is “weird” and “unattractive,” but others argued that it sounds like the mother is “spoiled” and not getting her act together.
According to an anonymous British woman, she and her husband disagree about how much housework she does (stock image)
Explaining the situation, the mother wrote, “He’s recently started whining that I’m not doing enough around the house.
‘Daughter is at home full time, except for one day a week at the nursery. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general housekeeping. However, DH has said there isn’t enough “output”.
‘He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’, setting out what needs to be done on a certain day and carrying out checks when he returns from work.
According to the poster, she has three children, two of whom are of school age and one is only three. But her partner thinks she should do more housework during the day
‘Monday, for example, is garden day and the grass must be mowed and the leaves swept. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day, and so on.
“Is this level of micromanagement normal for stay-at-home parents and should I just be thankful?”
The vast majority of respondents berated the husband, saying the situation sounded unsustainable.
One of them said, ‘It’s not up to him, to be honest. Tasks on certain days? Tell him to jog! Totally weird!’
Another agreed, adding, “Well, I’d be very short on that!” Does he think he runs a business and you are his employee? Unless you live in an uninhabitable hovel, I’d tell him to stop and ignore it.’
Another forum user questioned the dynamics of the relationship, writing, “I think even the fact that you’re not sure if he’s being unreasonable shows that this behavior is normal for him and that he’s been treating you like this for a while. You are in a controlling relationship with a power-crazy man. None of my male (or female!) friends would dream of treating their partners like this. It is not normal.’
And another simply said, “So he actually made himself your boss?” Attractive! Just what a marriage needs to flourish!’
But some posters felt that maybe the man thought the poster was not contributing enough to the household, because two of the children are in school.
A strongly worded response read: ‘I don’t understand the outrage and being asked to take care of your own home when you have two kids going to school.
“Your husband works outside the home and wants you to contribute to family life.
“Your kids are 15, 9, and 3. You’re spoiled.”
A more diplomatically phrased answer seemed to agree somewhat.
It read: ‘He has become annoyed that you are not earning and is trying to get more bang for his buck. I felt this way when my partner had a period as a stay-at-home dad. I didn’t go so far as to suggest tasks and a schedule, but to be perfectly honest, if I didn’t look like a controlling asshole, I’d love to!
A minority of forum users questioned whether the woman would not be able to fulfill her obligations within the partnership – and one even went so far as to label her as ‘spoiled’
“Unfortunately, once the breadwinner gets the idea that you’re not getting your money’s worth, the only solution is to get a job.”
Another Mumsnetter agreed, saying, “Reactions incredibly one-sided. Isn’t this what people suggest wives do for their husbands?
“No offense, but you can clean with a three-year-old. Give them an activity while you do it. People really underestimate the time spent. I have a one year old and even with him I can fit in cleaning, cooking etc.
“Obviously he has a problem with how the house is maintained. Impossible to tell if he is being unreasonable as we can’t see your house!’
Another asked the poster if it’s worth considering if there’s any merit to her husband’s suggestion that she isn’t doing enough around the house.
The answer was: ‘Is this the first time he has expressed his dissatisfaction with the current position you both are in? What do you do on the days when the three-year-old is at the nursery?
“Do you think he has a point or are you satisfied with the current maintenance of your home?”
A number of Mumsnetters suggested that the partnership could work better if the poster goes back to work and the couple divides the care of children and the household
Some respondents suggested that the woman should consider going back to work herself and hiring a childminder to care for the three-year-old.
One said, “I would take the three-year-old to daycare full-time and go back to work full-time. With the second income you can pay part of the housework and divide what you have left over over the evenings and weekends.
“That way you both contribute to the cost of having a family, and the household and child-related responsibilities, and the hired help takes care of what it can, and there’s less resentment.”
Most of the people who commented on the post were sympathetic to the poster and felt that her husband was being unreasonable
In the same vein, another added, “No. Time to get a job and let him contribute more at home.”
And a third wrote: ‘I imagine he’s starting to get annoyed that you’re not working now that 2/3 kids are in school all day and one is just about to finish high school.
“I would consider going back to work.”
And another chimed in, “I didn’t vote because while it’s not a normal setup, it sounds like you’re not really getting what needs to be done and would benefit from some sort of structure.”
“Maybe it’s easier for you to go back to work full time and then you can divide all the tasks equally.”