These are the six signs that the people around you are narcissists… from your partner to your boss, here’s how to deal with people with a personality disorder

We’ve all heard the word thrown at someone or whispered behind a hand. She took the last cookie on the plate during the meeting? What a narcissist! Did he swing the door in your face? What. A. Narcissist.

But is this interpretation accurate, or is the word now so overused that it has lost all meaning?

How can we know if our spouse, our mother-in-law, or our boss is truly suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, rather than just mindlessly?

Here, trauma coach Caroline Strawson, author of a new book, How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, describes six warning signs that you may have a narcissist in your life.

1. They don’t take responsibility for bad behavior

Narcissists will not apologize for the suffering they cause. It’s always someone else’s fault. They’ll say, “I had to do this because you said so!” Normal people may not talk to their partner for a while after an argument, but eventually they will step aside, mumble an apology, and take some of the blame. But the narcissist won’t do that, because he doesn’t think that way.

2. They are charming in public, but controlling in private

Narcissists are like chameleons. They may provoke you with hurtful comments before a night out with friends until they provoke an emotional response. At dinner they are the life and soul, while you are subdued because they made you feel terrible. In fact, they made you look like “the crazy one.”

This shape-shifting behavior makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them how they really are. “But they always seem so nice,” they’ll say.

3. Whether overt or covert, all narcissists crave attention

There are two main types of narcissists. The “overt” type, who may be your boss, walks into a room and commands attention. It’s their way or the highway. The ‘covert’ narcissist is more difficult to recognize.

Despite having private control, they play the victim in public. If you have a cold, they have the flu. They may complain about their spouse, causing friends to say, “But you’re such a good husband!” They too demand attention and praise. We therapists call it ‘narcissistic supply’.

4. Most people feel bad when they hurt someone. Not narcissists!

We can all be selfish or callous, but the difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we usually feel empathy for others. When we hurt someone, we feel bad and want to make it right. A narcissist has no empathy.

5. They are as cheeky as a toddler and always have to win

The narcissist has the mentality of a three year old, and only their needs are important. If they are your partner or boss, you walk on eggshells to keep the peace. If you find mistakes, they will shout, remain silent, or retaliate with a personal attack. The narcissist always wants to win.

6. They are adept at gaslighting behavior

A narcissist will manipulate you until you question your own sanity. You might see a mysterious text message on your partner’s phone, but when you ask who it was, they say, “Don’t be ridiculous, there’s nothing there.” If you insist you saw it, they shift the focus to your behavior. “You’re such a drama queen!” they will say. You end up feeling like you’re wrong.

How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, by Caroline Strawson, will be published in July.