Pride in work is priceless, but it’s nice to get paid

Etiquette of the pronoun

Is it okay if you’re talking alone with a new colleague for the first time to ask for pronouns to make sure you’re referencing it correctly, if it hasn’t been broached yet?

– Anonymously

Yes, it’s more than okay to ask about pronouns. It shows that you are caring and considerate and recognize that gender exists on a spectrum. We cannot assume that how someone presents themselves is how they identify themselves. Asking about pronouns simply removes any ambiguity and ensures that you always refer to your colleagues in the way they prefer.

The boundaries of care

As a care provider, how do you deal with a patient’s homophobia and transphobia? Specifically, what strategies can be used to address this when discharging the patient is not an option? In my case I don’t have my own office, so I work for someone else. My employer is not willing to omit this patient’s income, so the solution is for the patient to come on my days off. I find this less than ideal. And what are my rights here?

– Anonymously

Your employer’s solution is far from ideal. Unfortunately, there are few ideal options when it comes to bigotry. Patients can choose medical providers according to their preferences. I’m not sure if you have a story, but I’d like medical professionals to chime in on this.

I do know that many health professionals from different backgrounds deal with patient intolerance. It is a leading cause of burnout in medical professions. I suppose it’s a thing for the patient to come to the office on your days off, but it would be better if your employers had principles and refused to do business with a bigot.

They should value your safety and ensure that you work in an environment that does not tolerate any form of discrimination. You must decide whether you can continue to work at this practice under these terms. And if you can’t, it’s time to get a new job. I wish you all the best as you navigate through this.

How much is too much?

I used to identify as a cis woman, but came out as non-binary/genderqueer at work last year and shared at a staff meeting that my pronouns are now she/her and she/them. I told the team that I liked it when she/they were mentioned, but that “she/she is fine too”. Everyone was affirmative, but I’ve never heard or read of any of my co-workers using them to refer to me in the many months since, and it’s starting to bother me. I wish they would confirm my she/they pronouns at least some of the time, which makes me feel seen and known.

Am I making it too difficult for my colleagues by not insisting that they always use them? How much of my gender spectrum or fluidity can I reasonably ask them to acknowledge? Is it too much to ask to try to use she/her one time and she/them the next?

– Anonymously

You never make things too difficult for your colleagues by asking for respect for your pronouns. When you shared your pronouns and said “she/her is fine too”, your colleagues took you at your word. They use what is most comfortable for them instead of what is most comfortable for you.

If you want to be confirmed as s/he, you must make your preference clear without offering the s/he option. In an ideal world, people would consider using both sets of pronouns regularly. That’s not too much to ask, but it can be too much to expect in the workplace where you encounter a range of attitudes and familiarity with gender identification.

Write to Roxane Gay workfriend@nytimes.com.